to the moon and back again

Saturday night, I was laying in bed with Little Miss J as she was getting ready to fall asleep. She climbs on top of me, gives me a hug and a kiss (full on the mouth, because that's how she rolls) and then says ..."I love you (which sounded kind of like "roo), umma." And in that moment, I couldn't have been happier. Like I told Gus, I've been waiting for that moment since the day she arrived.

It's no secret that the whole mommy thing was tough for me at first. I seriously thought perhaps I was missing the maternal chip that apparently all women are born with. It had been mistakenly implanted into my husband. I loved her fiercely, but physically and emotionally I was just not feeling the way I thought I was supposed to. I was not this glowing new mommy, who despite stitches and having to use giant maxi pads with mesh underwear, was basking in new motherhood. All Baby J did was eat, sleep, poop, and cry. It was exhausting and I felt like she didn't even like me - let alone love me. It is obviously irrational to expect anything from her, but I mostly just felt like a 24-hour all you can eat buffet - and it didn't seem like I was offering anything to her that she couldn't have gotten from somewhere or something else. I guess I just sort of felt like she didn't need me, and was rather indifferent to my presence.

These days, it's pretty easy to tell how much Little Miss J likes me. Her face lights up when she sees me and it makes my mommy heart swell with joy, as she races straight toward me - often times taking me out at the knees. The fact that she has learned that hugs and kisses and saying "I love you" is the way to show affection makes me feel like we've done a good job showing her that she is one loved little girl.

I love you too Little Miss J ... to the moon and back again.