between now and then, until i see you again

Dear Mom,
I miss you everyday, but especially today. It's Juliet's birthday and also the anniversary of your passing. Juliet is 2 and is pretty much the best thing in the whole world. She's smart, funny, affectionate, sweet - everything and anything you could ask for. I know you are watching over her and she's lucky to have her own guardian angel.

I know it was probably hard for you to see how much I struggled after you were gone. Over the past 5 years things have gotten much much better. I have a beautiful little family. Gus and I love each other very much and Juliet is literally our pride and joy. Our careers are going well and overall we are blessed with so many good things.

Since moving to California, I've reconnected with Nancy and Karen. I've enjoyed being back in touch with them so much. I remember them visiting our house on Ely Lake and sunbathing on the dock with them. I was just a little kid, but loved hanging out with the older girls. Both Nancy and Karen remember you so fondly as their favorite aunt. They have shared such nice stories about you - stories that make me so proud to be your daughter. Grandma Berglund passed away this spring. Many of the Berglunds came together in Phoenix for her memorial service and I was able to spend some time with cousin Tom. He too shared such nice memories of you.

Being reconnected with family members and hearing their memories of you reminds me of how Pastor Wane had us all sit together before your service and share our favorite stories about you. We all went around the room each giving a favorite Jean/Mom related memory. Right then I felt like I never wanted that moment to end. Even though you were gone, it felt so good to have everyone celebrating you and remembering you. It was as if I felt like people would forget you, if we didn't keep talking about you.

As I have moved on, you are always in my heart and I think of you often. But I don't always take the time to remember all my favorite things about you - partly because it makes me sad. Thinking about you and knowing that you aren't physically here to share in all our joy still makes me sad. I wish you could give Juliet all the hugs and kisses that I know you would give her. I tell her how much you would have loved knowing her because I know you would have.

I always knew how much you loved me, but having a daughter of my own has given me a whole new perspective on the endless depth and breadth of the love a mother has for her child. Even when you aren't here, you continue to be my role model.

Love,
Me

PS it has taken me most of the day to write this because I keep choking up. I miss you so much Mommy.