it's a mom thing

Dear Mom,

Argh. That is all I can say. This past week in particular has been especially hard. New job. New things to learn. Steep learning curve. The perfectionist in me has caused off the charts anxiety. And in keeping my sh*t together, I sort of miss out on just living. So anyway, this is where you would have come in. You are the person I would call. You, of course, wouldn't understand because you have always thought I was capable of anything. Perhaps I am. But a crisis of confidence and a fear of failure holds me hostage. I would cry on the phone. You would tell me to pray about it. I would cry some more because praying was not going to get this project done. And in the end, I would get off the phone feeling better simply by having talked to the person who believes in me more than I believe in myself and has the grace to give her unconditional love. Of course, you are not here---and no matter how many times someone, anyone offers they are unable to help a girl like her mother can in spite of their sincerest desires and efforts. It's a mom thing.

You had the thing. I hope I have the thing. I've got two little people to raise. I will most certainly not be able to solve all their problems. I can only hope to guide them along the path of believing in their talents as they navigate through life. I want to be their backstop. No matter how bad it seems, or how awful they feel, they can always count on their mom to be their biggest cheerleader. Simply put---I want to be like you. I want them to remember their happy childhoods with the best mom in the world. Just like I do.

I hope you are in heaven watching over my little family. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to be the mom to Little Miss J and J2. They mean everything to me. J2 is just the cutest, happiest little boy. You would lose your mind over him. Little Miss J, she's my mini me---right down to her inner perfectionist. I wish you were here to share in the joy and love these two little souls bring to this world. It is truly something special.

And yet, here we are. Another year gone. Little Miss J turns another year older. And I've spent another year missing you. Did you know? It really never gets easier. Maybe if you were here, it wouldn't always be puppies and rainbows. Maybe I would spend lunches with girlfriends trading mom war stories. But whatever it would have been---good or bad---I would still like you to be here. Because nothing is harder than missing you. Nothing is harder than experiencing all the things that you are missing out on.

I don't know what it is, but to any kid (no matter how old) there is really truly no one like your mom. It's just a mom thing.

xoxo, Me