october 9

The day I left for Reykjavik in 1998

October 9, 2001 remains the worst day of my life. We knew my mom was sick and we knew the end was near, so the phone call I got on October 9 did not come as much of a surprise, which, of course, did not make the news any easier. Here is the obituary I wrote. No one wants to have to write their mom's obituary. But when your mom asks, you just do it. Of course, she insisted that I start writing it before she passed so that she could have some input. 

October 9, 2010 remains one of the best days of my life. I became the mom to the most awesome girl that I know. No one really wants Pitocin or stitches in sensitive areas, but when there's a baby in there it's got to come out. All my friends have photos of themselves looking radiant and beautiful after having a baby. I wish I did too. But I don't. You cannot tell by the look on my face that this is one of the best days of my life, but it was.

On October 9, 2015, Little Miss J will turn 5 and my mom, Jean, will have been gone for another year. It is literally a day to celebrate and a day to mourn. Losing my mom is a loss I still feel with an uncompromised clarity. I certainly do not miss her any less, and imagine that I never will. There is a special kind of unparalleled comfort a mom provides. When I am struggling and I feel alone because the only thing I can do is complain and I don't want to burden my friends with negativity, I would like to still be able to talk with my mom. When my confidence is shaken and I don't believe in myself or my abilities, I wish she were here. She may not have known how to help me with calculus homework or what my urban design professor really wanted in that paper he assigned, but she knew how to listen and she knew how to remind me of the smart, capable kid/teen/adult that I was (and hopefully continue to be).

There is the saying about not crying because it's over and instead being happy because it happened. While I do feel lucky for having an incredible mom for 22 years, the fact that her life ended too soon for my liking will probably always make me cry. While telling my kids about their Grandma Jean makes me happy, I am sad that I even have to do it in the first place. I wish Grandma Jean could see and love on the little people that I have made. The little people that, like me with her, look to me for the comfort that only a mother can provide.

Family was important to my mom and I often think that she was the glue that held us all together. An unfortunate time of big hair and stonewashed jeans, but I know how happy my mom was to have all of her kids (including the foreign exchange student, Henri, and the dog, Tobie) together this Christmas. Personally, I think Liane has the best hair.

I don't know a single person, who knew my mom, that doesn't still miss her. She touched so many people's lives. October 9th will probably always be the best worst (or worst best?) day of my life, but I think the most fitting way to honor my mom's memory is to continue to be the best mom that I can be to Little Miss J and J2. And being the best mom I can be on October 9 is by planning Jean Hoff-worthy birthday celebrations for Little Miss J, complete with decorated sugar cookies cut out in the shape of a "5."

Love you, mom!