channeling taylor swift

Not only is she FEARLESS, she can also SHAKE IT OFF. I am neither fearless, nor am I known for my ability to let things go. Failure and rejection. They are are my kryptonite. It is a terrible, awful attitude, yet at times, fear of failure definitely holds me hostage.

A prime example being the California bar exam. I put it off for nearly three years, not necessarily because I didn't want to study for it, but more because I didn't want to fail it. Seriously. I did not want to have to tell people that I failed. If I didn't take it, then I couldn't fail. Again, I realize this is a horrible attitude.

I have gone to a lot of school in my life. A LOT. I'm used to being measured by letter grades, percentiles, and, quite frankly, not failing. This time it was a whole different ball game. I am working full-time and I'm one of the most important people in the whole world to two of the best human beings that I know. In between those two very important responsibilities, I studied and studied and studied for that exam. I took practice exams. I made flashcards. Then I revised my flashcards. Then I started over and made more flashcards and revised those too. The chances of failure are pretty high. The passage rate on the two day exam is roughly 30 percent. Uplifting, right?

Thinking about receiving the results also sort of sends me into a bit of a tailspin. Right now I'm on the back end of the high of simply just finishing the exam. That high, if it hasn't dissipated soon will most certainly come to a crashing halt when the results are posted. When I took the exam in Minnesota, I wouldn't even look at my results. I made Gus open them. I just didn't want to know if I failed. I'm not sure I want to know this time either. No one would ever say that I did not put in the time. I studied my little ass off - although it actually probably got bigger thanks to all those Bowls of Soul at Tupelo. BTW, I have yet to return to that place.

Did I try my best? Yes. But as Sean Connery says, "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and ... " Well, you know what the winners do (and if you don't, quit reading now and go watch The Rock). Will all those hours sacrificed be enough? Who knows? Will it be OK, if I don't pass? Yeah, I think it will be.

Part of me thought I would save this post for after the results came in so I could give you a sweet little ending - "I worked so hard and look it paid off" kind of ending. But part of overcoming my fear of failure is putting it out there now - so you are all now on this journey with me. Trust me, I do not think I'm so important that you actually really care whether I pass this damn test or not. This is more a personal growth exercise for myself.

I don't want Little Miss J or J2 to ever be held hostage by the fear of failure. We have high expectations for those two. We're Asian. We can't help it. Me failing this exam is not the most important thing in the world any longer. It certainly doesn't define me. What is important is teaching my kids that it is good to try, to do your best, and to not let the fear of failure hold you back from anything. While I'm certainly not saying that I deserve some sort of participation medal for taking that damn exam, but I am pretty impressed about the fact that I finally just took the plunge and did it despite being petrified of the possibility that I would have to tell people that I failed it.