let your tears come

This day has nearly brought me to tears, but not quite.

First, I have been presented with a great opportunity to distinguish myself at work, which is difficult in a company with 4,000 plus employees. If all goes well, it would allow me to attend a conference and perhaps be involved in lots of other projects in the future. Unfortunately, the work isn't billable and will require extra hours at night, after Baby J is tucked away in her crib, and perhaps on the weekends. But when someone takes an interest in helping you develop your career, it's difficult to say no.

Second, I had to pick Baby J up about a half hour later than usual from daycare today because I had a couple errands to run. She hasn't been sleeping enough at daycare, which leaves one crabby Baby J by 5:30 p.m. Tonight she cried all the way home, all the way through dinner, and all the way through her bath. At around 6:00 p.m., I gave her a bottle and rocked her to sleep. Since I didn't get much quality Baby J time tonight, I would have held her for longer just to get some snuggles in - but I had work to do ... see above. Not getting any playtime in with my little munchkin left me feeling so disappointed and guilty about being a working mom.

Finally, over the past week, Carl has developed some serious sibling rivalry. I guess nearly 12 months of near neglect has finally sent him over the edge. Today I came home to one chewed up pair of baby shoes (thank goodness they weren't her new ones) and several chewed up baby toys. Yesterday, it was her stuffed snowman and a clothes hanger.

Today the fact that I can't give either Baby J or Carl all the attention they need and deserve was overwhelming today. I want to be everything for everyone, but it simply is.not.possible. I need to reevaluate and just accept that all I can do is all I can do. I know Baby J loves me ... Carl perhaps not so much. He also headbutted me this morning and I still have a sore spot on my forehead.