here's what i know ...

This has taken awhile and been hard to write. I spent a sleepless, anxious week at the end of September holding my breath, waiting to say a final goodbye to a great man. I'm back to sleeping and eating for the most part, but it catches you when you least expect. There are moments in the early morning when I wake up feeling something sitting on my chest (and no, it's not J2) remembering that he won't be there to meet us at the boathouse anymore.

In the weeks since my dad has passed, here's what I have learned ...

First, my dad was an extremely impressive man. Some of the things said in his obituary, I had not even been aware of, which definitely adds to the sadness because the opportunity to talk with him about those things is gone. J1 told me that she wished Papa Roger had told her all those things so that she could be happy for him while he was alive. I certainly would have been interested in his research in medical school. Tana said that after reading his obituary she understands me a little more---my work ethic, my drive to succeed, my unwillingess to let those I love down, at times to my own detriment. You see it in J1, as well.

Second, I feel like I understand him a bit more. Academics were always so important in our household. When I got straight As, dad would joke that my report card was boring. But if there was anything less than all As, he wanted to know why. When I started looking at colleges, he told me I could go wherever I wanted. When I left for college, he told me that for every hour I was in class, I needed to spend two hours studying. My senior year he drove the 4 hours to Carleton to see me present my comps. When I passed the bar exam, he sat through the really really long ceremony to see me get sworn into the Minnesota Bar. He rarely ever said the words, "I'm proud of you," but I guess he wouldn't have done all those things, if he wasn't.

Law School graduation

Admitted to the MN Bar

Third, I have the best friends. Beth took care of my ass for most of the week I was in Minnesota, making sure I ate something even if all I wanted was vodka, Canelake's and Dairy Queen. I wouldn't have survived that week without her, her two wonderful boys, and 1/2 price admission to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Thank you to everyone who supported my family during this time. The outpouring of love was overwhelming. And thanks to my brother for paying the bar tab ... TWICE. Not to be outdone by their Minnesota counterparts, my California crew held their own. Rides to the airport, standing in for me at J2's birthday party, regular check-ins throughout the week. You ladies know you are my ride or dies.

see, we went!

Fourth, I would not want to work for any other firm. We're busy. We work hard. But we are also understanding, compassionate, and most of all, a family. No one batted an eyelash when I said I needed to be gone all week and assured me that everything would be taken care of.

Finally, riding roller coasters at MOA kind of hungover is not cool. But you do it. Because you're a mom. And moms are badass AF.

The fact that I was able to get this all down finally is a sign that I'm healing, but not being able to say goodbye to him is still what haunts me most. We will continue to play cribbage, blow things up, enjoy the lake, smoke cigars, play golf and all the other things that Dr. B. liked to do. Except, I probs will not be drinking chardonnay (barf). Cheers, Dad. You were the greatest man. I love you so much.

this one is for Dave