i *think* i'm done

Despite that I just Googled Hanson's marathon training the first post-CIM morning, I really think I am breaking up with that race. Famous last words. Never say never though. I mean, I did have another baby after swearing that off. But for now, let's just go with it's over.

pre-race shakeout with Oiselle birds!

I would love to be one of those people that runs for the love it, whose goal is to "have fun" racing. But let's be honest, that would probably be setting myself up for failure and that's not really my thing. Don't get me wrong. I like running, or at least I don't hate it. I am in love with my running tribe. I am grateful that I can run. And it feels good to do hard things. I think what I like most is that since I really just started running, I haven't peaked yet. Every race, every year is a chance to train harder, race smarter and see what hard thing I can do next.

I am not, however, that serious about racing. My training "plan" and I use that term in the loosest sense was a mashup of the plan I used last year while training with Fleet Feet and whatever my tribe was doing. You want to run 10 tempo miles 30 seconds faster than my planned goal marathon pace at 4:30 in the morning? Sure, I'm your girl. You want to do two 22-mile runs this training cycle? I only need 17 miles this week, but hell, I'll do an extra five. Will I pace you on a 22-mile death march in the middle of the night? Yep, and I will even walk through a creek and get my feet wet so yours don't have to. Did I accidentally do some of my workouts feeling a little hungover? Yeah, I did that too.

I also listened to Matt Fitzgerald's "How Bad Do You Want It?" along with running podcasts and YouTube videos, because I have always known that my mental game is where I fall apart. I get caught up in the suffering, careening down a slippery slope until I have given up because my mind tells me I just can't endure a higher perceived rate of effort. This year my plan was to race smarter. Be conservative on the front end. Don't burn the house down in the first few miles because I'm excited and feel good. I didn't get to test this plan because my tune up run, Monterey Bay Half Marathon got cancelled.

ALL THAT lead to me toeing the start line cozied right up to the 4:00 hour pacer. My goal was to drop about 7 minutes from last year and finish sub-4:00. The idea was to hang with the 4:00 hour group and then speed up right at the end because 3:59.59 is sub-4:00.

I hung out with the gang for the entire first half and it felt great. I felt strong, but anxious. Anxious because I was worried about what it was going to feel like later. As each mile passed I continued to feel strong. Not stronger, but just relieved that I wasn't falling apart. At 13.1, I pulled a bit ahead of the pacers after which I never looked back. I wasn't checking my watch, but I knew as long as I could stay ahead of them, I was going to hit my A goal.

13.1

Mile 18

I didn't even look at my watch until mile 22, at which point I realized I was running about a 9:00 mile. Mile 23.5 my cheering squad showed up---both my mama tribe and my Oiselle teammates. I didn't bother stopping because I had no idea how close that 4:00 pace group was and I didn't want to find out. So I waved and kept going.

The last mile was the hardest. Although I felt pretty good for having run 25 miles ... I had just run 25 miles. Then, I looked at my watch and realized that unless something catastrophic happened I was going to be sub-4:00, which resulted in me walking just a wee bit. I really hate the last part of the race through downtown. Unlike everyone else, the crowd energy doesn't fuel my inner burn. I'm almost entirely self-motivated. The race is me chasing pavement. Staying focused on running my race and not someone else's. Everything else is just a distraction.

I hit the 400 meter marker, put my head down and went for it. I didn't look for my family because last year stopping to wave to my kids cost me a sub-2:00 half marathon. I did hear them yell as I raced by so I knew they were there. And then it was over. Mission accomplished.

This isn't really the face of someone having fun ... even J1 told me afterward that my face didn't look v. happy. Ha.

There is, however, something to be said about setting goals, working hard, and seeing it all come together.

Post-race, I feel pretty good. I think I'm fully recovered and left wondering (again), if maybe I could have pushed harder. Part of me thinks for me to go faster, I would really have to be dedicated and give up something else, like taking care of my children. But there's always that part of you that wonders how much you can do with how little you have. Here's to wondering. Because as of now, I am NOT signed up to re-run CIM.