My little princess, the one and only Little Miss J, turns 4 tomorrow and that means we've spent another year missing you terribly. I find so much significance in the fact that I became a mom on the anniversary of your death. While one door had closed another had swung wide open to fill my heart with a new love. While it hasn't made me miss you any less, becoming a mom has made me feel closer to you even when you are gone.
Little Miss J is my little mini me. So much so that I can truly empathize with nearly every emotion she has. Like when she clings to my neck and smothers my face in kisses telling me that she "just loves me so much." I remember feeling the exact same way about you and probably doing the exact same thing to you when I was that age. Gus has watched the old home videos of me and can attest to the fact that Little Miss J is exactly like me. Her constant chatter, her never ending need to be in the spotlight, and her sassy (but not necessarily in a bad way) little attitude, have also helped me understand why you used to buy those giant jugs of Ernst and Gallo. I finally understand your overprotective vigilance of my safety and I may be even more overprotective than you were ... if that is even possible. The thought of anything bad happening to my kids is paralyzing. I honestly don't know how you managed. Just last week Gus had to talk me off the ledge of being convinced that my kids were going to get Ebola.
Between chasing two little ones, working full time, and trying to be the best mom and wife that I can be, I am simply exhausted. But becoming a mom has brought with it a newfound sense of resiliency. You somehow just find the strength to play another game of Candyland or read another book or talk for another 5 minutes about your day. Were you always this tired? If so, I never really noticed. Don't get me wrong though, in spite of the sheer exhaustion I am so very very happy. My family brings me more joy than I could possibly put into words.
I'm sorry you aren't here to see the adorable little people I made. It is heartbreaking to know that they will never have the chance to know the person who helped shape their mom into the person she is today. J2 turned one year old two weeks ago and you would have just loved to see such a sweet and happy little boy. We made it to Minnesota this summer and got to spend some time with Ralph, so he's gotten to know both Little Miss J and J2 some.
Life seems to be a lot of holding on and letting go. Holding on tightly to all the memories and lessons I have of you and from you, but trying to let go of some of the pain that your absence brings. Holding on to my kids to keep them safe, but letting go to allow them to explore and develop their own little personalities.
Let's be honest. Not having you around sucks. I have so many people in my life who are and will be there for me - Amy, Gus's mom, Gail, Nancy, etc., and I love them all dearly, but quite simply, they just aren't you. I just miss you. That is all.
Please continue to watch over my little ones so they don't get hurt or get Ebola or enterovirus (uh, thanks Jenn). Oh, and you will be happy to know that David and I get along much better now.
love and miss you,
Nina
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