thanksgiving 2019

Here's what happened ...

Gus became a vegan, much to the annoyance of my neighbor, Peter, and made for an interesting Thanksgiving holiday. He got some recommendation for something sold at Trader Joe's that was meant to approximate a turkey. It didn't look all that appealing and I didn't bother to try it because spatch cock turkey, thank you Julie. Gus also prepared all vegan sides for his dining pleasure, which were all perfectly lovely. But ... BUTTER is delicious.

I mean really, which one would you rather eat ... ?

Before we stuffed our faces with non-vegan and vegan delights, respectively, we did what we do every year. We ran Run To Feed the Hungry! And by "ran," I mean we actually all ran. There were no strollers, baby wearing, wagons, or piggyback rides. Both my children ran the whole. damn. way. and I really couldn't be prouder. I ran with J1, who after the first mile wanted to run faster. I tried to be encouraging during the last mile, but she didn't want to talk. She was focused on passing people until she hit the finish. She is truly my daughter. External motivation isn't really her thing.

J2 also ran and excitedly proclaimed upon finishing that he "hardly even complained." He did, however, run nearly the entire 5k holding Gus's hand, but whatever, everyone propelled themselves to the finish line mostly of their own accord and it counts.

My bestie, Tana, also completed her first 5k! Looking fabulous as always.

After the run, we got out the tree and, just like Elsa, I let it go. And by "it" I mean all my Type A tendencies. The Js decorated the tree largely unsupervised ... hence the standing on the couch. I didn't even bother rearranging the ornaments afterward because really, who the f*ck cares.

The lights were twinkly, I saw all my favorite ornaments because they were ALL on the front of the tree at kid-level. Plus, I had spent an obscene amount (for me) on throw pillows that I am absolutely in love with. What more could one want? I mean except a shirt that matches your throw pillows! Despite the camoflauge, my children managed to find me and continue to ask me one million questions.

And before we did ANY of the above discussed activities, we, of course, celebrated with the Shahs at their annual Night Before Thanksgiving (NBT, for the cool kids) cocktail party. Where in true Nina B fashion, I overdressed ... because you can never be over educated or overdressed IMHO.

rise & shine, sweet girl. this is your moment.

My dearest sweetest J1,

We had an emotional autumn, losing Papa Roger. Like I told J2, I gave myself the grace to delay your birthday letter, but I wanted to make sure I still got it done. So, here you go.

It's been more than 3,285 days since we first laid eyes on your smushed up alien-looking face. You are nine years old! And you are everything. You are my sun and stars, my moon and ocean. Everything about you reminds me to be a better person.

I admire your independence. Your ability to do the right thing even when it isn't the popular thing. It is this that I hope stays with you throughout your lifetime because it will serve you well. While you have grit, I need you to have more. I need you to not be upset when we correct you or review what you got wrong on an assignment. We are not doing it to point out the fact you are wrong. Rather, we are trying to teach you how it works so that you will get it correct in the future. Please remember that and approach these moments with a better attitude. I know you don't react the same way to other adults correcting you, so try not to do so with us. We love you. We know you are smart and we are so so proud of you. Us correcting you does not make us any less proud of you. I promise.

I'm so proud of how well you've done at soccer this year. Last year was tough losing your spot in East Sac, but you turned it around and made the team at Sacramento United. You have excelled and made new friends. I know your goal is to score more, and to do that you need to take more shots. Be brave. Take chances. Shoot hard. If you miss, it's OK. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.

Your love for eating and talking continues with reckless abandon. The other day you asked for two pieces of toast with hummus, and later I found you crying in the corner because you heard all of the other things your Appah was offering to make and you wanted that too but knew you couldn't eat dinner twice. LOL.

You are generally the happiest, most easy going kid that I know. Your friends' parents always tell me that you are welcome any time because you are so polite and nice. You could, however, work on hanging up your clothes and keeping your room clean. Just saying.

You make this world a better place. Your kindness, consideration, and thoughtfulness of others are unprecedented for someone your age. You really are one of the best humans that I know.

I hope you don't follow in my footsteps. I want you to walk a path beside me and go further than I have ever gone. You have it in you. Believe in yourself. Always.

You are my greatest joy.

Love, Your Umma

J2 catch-up

My sweetest J2,

Losing Papa Roger days before your birthday sent me into a tailspin. While no stranger to losing a parent, to be fair, I was really just a kid when I lost my mom ... 22 years old, in grad school, responsible for no one but myself. Papa Roger's passing was a whole new ball game for your Umma. I gave myself the grace to not only miss being the first person on the planet to kiss you and wish you a happy birthday, but also to miss your birthday party and delay your birthday letter. Please forgive me.

It is now time to play catch-up. You, my boy, are my greatest challenge. Your love for testing limits is unprecedented, at least in this household where there is a J1, the ultimate rule follower. You are independent, creative, and inventive. I absolutely love listening to the things you want to invent, particularly when you ask what would happen when you invent said things ... because I really have NO IDEA.

DAB!

You are a big boy, but you still have the cutest little kid voice. Listening to you explain what happened or how you are feeling is really the most adorable thing ever. Your mind works way faster than your little mouth and you have the vocabulary of an adult with the pronunciation of a 6-year-old. There is really nothing better, until you get frustrated because you realize that I have no idea what you are saying, but I just keep letting you talk because I like to hear the sound of your voice.

double fisting ice cream and hot dog

You recently lost your first tooth. Your little smile with the missing tooth reinforces that much to my dismay you are truly no longer my baby despite still loving to be held. No one loves me like you do, kid, and no one ever will. You are my favorite little buddy.

You hate when we talk about how naughty you are, even though you are pretty naughty. You also hate being embarrassed, which to be fair, most people do. You, however, are embarrassed by pretty much everything that has to do with you not being perfect, of which there are many many things. I have not, however, met anyone quite as cool as you ... EVER.

You love and hate your sister in equal measure. You know how to push her buttons and do so regularly, but are quick to want to apologize when you realize that fighting with your sister means I make you both play in your rooms by yourself.

J2, you are going to do great things in this world. I know this. It probably won't happen in a traditional sense or way, but you are truly brilliant and if you somehow manage to harness that brilliance for good rather than evil, there is no limit to what you can accomplish. And it will hopefully mean that you don't end up in jail or living in my basement, particularly because right now we don't even have a basement.

You are my favorite little boy and I could not love you more. Snuggles with you make everything right in the world. Listening to your perspective on just about anything almost instantly makes me happier. You are the perfect completion to this family of ours. You are both the reason I lose it and the reason I hold it together.

Happy 6 years my little buddy. Love you forever and ever.

Your Umma

fall fun

It finally feels like fall, i.e., I'm freezing every morning now. So let's recap on all the "autumnal" fun we had when it was like 85 degrees out. This year we managed a pumpkin patch AND Apple Hill with the whole family. The last few years, it's been just me and the kids or we've skipped altogether due to being too busy.

We started at Boa Vista Orchards by accident because I thought it was the place I took the kids last year. It was not. This is not a you-pick orchard, it is very crowded because it is right off the main road. However, if you like crafty stuff and lots of apple-related product, it is the place for you.

So then, thankfully, Tana answered my text and told me that it was Delfino Farms, which was nearby and we headed that way. Delfino is quiet and lovely. They have hard cider and these amazing little creations called the walking apple pie. I'm not entirely sure why Gus did not get ice cream with ours, but you should definitely get the ice cream.

Delfino is also not a you-pick orchard, and therefore we had to make a third stop. Denver Dan's. Where we picked so many apples that we still have them in our fridge, and despite this fact, Gus went to the grocery store and bought apples for whatever reason. Anyway, this place is the best. The people that work there are so nice. My kids loved running around and reading the signs so they knew what kind they were picking. To be fair, we may or may not have picked our apples based purely on name and not on description.

We also managed a trip to Fog Willow pumpkin farm. J1 had her 5th birthday there, after which they gave her a free membership, that we have never used until now. And really, the only reason we went was because J2 had a birthday party to attend.

We're still balls deep, literally, in soccer. Fall is not over ... but I feel I have now met my parental obligation.

here's what i know ...

This has taken awhile and been hard to write. I spent a sleepless, anxious week at the end of September holding my breath, waiting to say a final goodbye to a great man. I'm back to sleeping and eating for the most part, but it catches you when you least expect. There are moments in the early morning when I wake up feeling something sitting on my chest (and no, it's not J2) remembering that he won't be there to meet us at the boathouse anymore.

In the weeks since my dad has passed, here's what I have learned ...

First, my dad was an extremely impressive man. Some of the things said in his obituary, I had not even been aware of, which definitely adds to the sadness because the opportunity to talk with him about those things is gone. J1 told me that she wished Papa Roger had told her all those things so that she could be happy for him while he was alive. I certainly would have been interested in his research in medical school. Tana said that after reading his obituary she understands me a little more---my work ethic, my drive to succeed, my unwillingess to let those I love down, at times to my own detriment. You see it in J1, as well.

Second, I feel like I understand him a bit more. Academics were always so important in our household. When I got straight As, dad would joke that my report card was boring. But if there was anything less than all As, he wanted to know why. When I started looking at colleges, he told me I could go wherever I wanted. When I left for college, he told me that for every hour I was in class, I needed to spend two hours studying. My senior year he drove the 4 hours to Carleton to see me present my comps. When I passed the bar exam, he sat through the really really long ceremony to see me get sworn into the Minnesota Bar. He rarely ever said the words, "I'm proud of you," but I guess he wouldn't have done all those things, if he wasn't.

Law School graduation

Admitted to the MN Bar

Third, I have the best friends. Beth took care of my ass for most of the week I was in Minnesota, making sure I ate something even if all I wanted was vodka, Canelake's and Dairy Queen. I wouldn't have survived that week without her, her two wonderful boys, and 1/2 price admission to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Thank you to everyone who supported my family during this time. The outpouring of love was overwhelming. And thanks to my brother for paying the bar tab ... TWICE. Not to be outdone by their Minnesota counterparts, my California crew held their own. Rides to the airport, standing in for me at J2's birthday party, regular check-ins throughout the week. You ladies know you are my ride or dies.

see, we went!

Fourth, I would not want to work for any other firm. We're busy. We work hard. But we are also understanding, compassionate, and most of all, a family. No one batted an eyelash when I said I needed to be gone all week and assured me that everything would be taken care of.

Finally, riding roller coasters at MOA kind of hungover is not cool. But you do it. Because you're a mom. And moms are badass AF.

The fact that I was able to get this all down finally is a sign that I'm healing, but not being able to say goodbye to him is still what haunts me most. We will continue to play cribbage, blow things up, enjoy the lake, smoke cigars, play golf and all the other things that Dr. B. liked to do. Except, I probs will not be drinking chardonnay (barf). Cheers, Dad. You were the greatest man. I love you so much.

this one is for Dave